Back by popular demand (thank you to those three very special people), here are ten more not-so-awesome things, in no particular order.
- When you’re at a cocktail party, fully engaged in conversation with someone you’re eager to impress and you delicately bite into what you thought was a cube of havarti and realize that it’s actually a cube of butter.
- Shortly after thoroughly enjoying a generous piece of peanut brittle, you realize that along with the peanuts and the brittle, you also enjoyed eating a piece of your lower molar.
- Backing out of your own driveway as you do every day and smashing into the vehicle parked directly behind you. The vehicle belongs to the electrician who you let into your house just 10 minutes before.
- Backing out of your driveway as you do every day about a year later and crashing into your daughter’s vehicle at about 50km/hr with such impact that the passenger door couldn’t be opened.(*Special thanks to my father for providing the not-so-awesome moments of #3 and #4—and for that really expensive take-out pizza that he picked up after the incident.)
- Imagine running with your dog on a bright, shiny idyllic morning, listening to the Eurythmics on your iPod. You approach a road crew and brace yourself for the cat calls and whistles. The confusion begins when several construction workers start yelling at you and madly waving their arms and pointing. Ignoring them because you can’t hear what they’re saying over top of Annie Lennox anyway, you turn your attention back to your golden retriever who is running a few feet ahead of you on the leash– up to his torso in wet cement. You catch up to him after he’s already run 10 steps through it. Not so awesome for the city workers who just poured that sidewalk!
- The bad peanut. You know the one—it tastes like Noxema, Branston pickles, dead toads, feet and poison. What the hell happened to that one single peanut? Why does it taste so poisonously awful?
- Placing your debit card on the conveyer belt at the grocery store and watching it ride along the belt and disappear into an abyss behind the bananas and the turkey bacon.
- Washing your lip balm along with all your favourite things, leaving spearmint residue on most items. You try to salvage the lip balm but it has turned into a medicated mashed potato consistency inside the vial. With one application you are left with a chunky sheen with several bits that you have to eat off your lips. At least the other often forgotten-about items like ob tampons are shrink-wrapped with a scary plastic that can endure the wash and spin cycle (and probably outerspace) and still come out useable.
- After being on hold for 26 minutes and reminded 26 times that “Your call is very important to us,” you finally put the phone down on the bed so you can properly fold your t-shirts just like they do at the GAP. When you hear the operator’s “Hello” cut off the annoying Gloria Estefan 1-2-3 song, you lunge for the phone and get ready to voice the complaint you’ve been rehearsing. Cradling the phone between your shoulder and your ear you begin folding the last t-shirt as you voice your complaint– and disconnect yourself after five seconds. Totally not awesome.
- Imagine walking through Holt Renfrew on Bloor, pretending to be all that and a bag of chips. Maybe even wearing sunglasses inside the store to blend in with the other chic shoppers. When you eye the expensive hand lotion sample tube that smells like wedding cake, and the cosmetics counter staff person turns her back, you squeeze a greedy handful surreptitiously in your hand. You take enough to moisturize yourself up to your elbows and most of your legs. Walking away before making eye contact with the cosmetics staff person you begin to rub in the lotion and realize with great horror that you’ve selected the body scrub. The scrub begins to lather on your hands and you spy a box of Kleenex on the counter. Walking hurriedly towards the Burberry section you hide behind the scarves to wipe off the gritty scrub that smells like wedding cake but feels like icing full of sand. This is when you notice that the Kleenex is adhering to the scrub and your hands look like a 12-year-old boy’s face after shaving for the first time. Sunglasses on, you confidently exit Holt’s with hands covered in tattered Kleenex and body scrub hidden deep in your pockets.
Not so awesome bus delay on the Gulu Highway, Uganda
Not so awesome if you piss off the ankole cow with very-pointy horns
Probably not so awesome accommodations, but hey, they only advertised that they were famous!
With kudos to blogger all-star Neil Pasricha who is at #749 on his clever list of 1,000 Awesome Things at http://1000awesomethings.com/.
If you missed the first list of 10 Not-So-Awesome Things: