Buyer Beware: The House Hunting and Gathering Chronicles

House hunting and gathering is a dangerous sport. It involves incredible stealth, patience (especially when the wifi speed can’t keep pace), coffee (or, depending on the clock, wine), vision (sometimes X-ray) and the flexibility of a hot yoga instructor.

My parents are looking at properties too—which allows me to extend our search zone on realtor.ca to tease them with options too. Kim and I have honed in on Prince Edward County, Warkworth, Hastings, Trent Hills, Amherst and Wolfe Island and are open to an unexpected dream house on a tiny lake two hours from the airport in any direction, really. My mom? “We’re looking anywhere in Ontario.”

We’ve been chronically looking since last summer, but with reserve as couldn’t actively move until Kim’s official retirement. Which, is officially this Saturday—but, she will continue working until we have two sold signs (our current and future home/waterfront lot, airstream parking spot). Then the cork will fly out of the champagne bottle and we will move into our default setting: probably painting every surface, with headlamps on if necessary.

As we sift through listings, our greater fun has been in the shock and awe of the photos posted on the realtor.ca site. When they say, “buyer beware”—no kidding! Often it’s just a comical photo bomb of a cat or dog that is found in every room of the house, following the photographer around like static cling. Other times, the photos are a pure marvel. Despite a house’s exterior, inside is an open diary. A time capsule. Collections gone awry. Our greatest nightmare. Or, most often—a forehead-smacking, “What was the photographer thinking? Why would they leave groceries all over the kitchen floor?” I imagine the scene: “GET OUT! NOW! DROP YOUR GROCERIES AND LEAVE!” Did the home owner actually think, ‘Oh, what’s a few bags of groceries matter? People will understand. The house is lived in. What do they expect?’ Or, are potential buyers supposed to key in on that a grocery store is nearby? This is the vision I’m talking about.

groceries

Here are some of our favourites, gathered over the last few months. All photo credit goes to Realtor.ca with kudos to the remarkable real estate agents who manage to sell such places without whiskey on intravenous.

bad 2

“Should I put the mop away, or do you think I should leave it so it will be in the photo?”

bad

Now here’s a stellar view. So practical. “Honey, let’s sit here in front of the railing and look at the ceiling.”

chairs in garage

The new buzz word: “Flex Room.” It’s not a man cave, but, if you like to drink Labatt 50 and eat pickled eggs while you spy on neighbours, we have a garage for you!”

cat

Find the cat…(it’s just like playing “Where’s Waldo?”)

cat 2

Find the cat, part 2.

dixie cup

Vintage Dixie Cup dispenser, for a little Listerine, or a drink of water in the night. Who cares about a rainfall shower head or Japanese soaker tub when you could have this?

demijohns

If you have a demi-john collection, this house will suit your display needs.

napanee

Look, it’s the very first treadmill and stationary bike ever made! Conveniently located beside the wine rack and armchair for post-workout recovery. (*Also note the faux port holes on the wall, to make your exercise room feel like a cruise ship!)

 

PEC 5

Calgon, take me away! Like, far, far, far away.

pelee foot

“Is my foot in the way?”

PEC dog

Find the dog…

spoons

Now here’s a DIY project gone wrong. “Honey, what do you think? If I buy a bunch of wooden spoons and make them into cabinet handles, will they notice the dated kitchen?”

toilet

Question: How many people have had a concussion after innocently sitting on this toilet?

what the hell

Snacks, laundry and TV–all in one convenient space.

weird

For those who love diamond-print socks and sweaters, we’ve lovingly transferred the tasteful design to our ceiling!

wallpaper

Does the carpet match the curtains?

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Categories: Home Sweet Home, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “Buyer Beware: The House Hunting and Gathering Chronicles

  1. Lynne

    OMG I so needed that laugh!!!! Seriously I think Auntie Jane would need a whiskey IV at these places 🙂

  2. Hey there’s a plan Lynne. That is too funny. You check out the photos way more carefully than I do Jules.

  3. Oh my God! I want to meet the people in those houses! Hilarious! The TV and fridge and washing machine and dishwasher all in one place? And I want one of those dixie-cup dispensers. I want an Aunt Marge who lives in one of those houses and sticks her foot out when her husband is taking a real estate picture.

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