25 Random Things

Everyone else was doing it, so I did too.

Jules, an Expose…

1.  In a perfect world I would eat coconut-battered shrimp for breakfast, KFC skin for lunch and strawberry Pop Tarts for dinner.

2.  I would like to set up an exchange program for low-income African dogs so they could experience a Canadian winter.

3.  I am fascinated by stories of Bigfoot and Ogopogo.

4.  I believe in UFO’s, ghosts and the power of wishing on wishbones and falling stars.

5.  I ate guinea pig in Ecuador, despite growing up with a darling, whistling one named Cocoa.

6.  Diamonds are not a girl’s best friend: watches as big as belt buckles are.

7.  The smell of pig manure reminds me of home.

8.  I can’t wash out empty peanut butter jars, it would make me vomit.

9.  I’ve kissed the Blarney Stone.

10.  On my must see list: an aardvark, a duck-billed platypus, naked mole rats, a roadrunner and the polar bears eating garbage in the dumpsters of Churchill.

11.  Kenny G and most other instrumental music makes me aggressive and violent. I assume it is a job hazard of giving massages in a serene atmosphere.

12.  I’ve wanted to be an orinthologist (someone who studies birds) since age 6. Seeing the blue footed boobies in the Galapagos was my birding dream come true.

13.  I’d like to run a marathon with my sister, providing our lumbar intervertebral discs allow it. Maybe the Midnight Sun Run in Anchorage, Alaska during the summer solstice?

14.  Send roses to the mistress, I love tiger lilies and birds of paradise.

15.  This year I will read Love in the Time of Cholera.

16.  In another perfect world I would be a cake decorator. Or, run a little dog bakery that made whole-wheat cat shit-flavoured bones for pups.

17.  If I can teach Wanda how to perfect pancakes and wait for the tiny bubbles to appear on the surface before flipping, maybe we could open a bed and breakfast in St. Margaret’s Bay, Halifax. But, we would call it a “Bread and Bekfast” because those two words are really hard to say together, and inevitably, four times out of ten, this is what people say anyway.

18.  I worked as a clown, very briefly for $5.10 an hour in the early 90s.

19.  I’m a minimalist but a maximalist when it comes to books. I will probably die from a bookshelf falling on me, not a piano or a falling airplane part.

20.  There are so many places to go: Easter Island, Portugal, the Yukon, New Orleans, Bostwana, Madagascar, Isle of Man, Iceland, Ikea, IHOP.

21.  My mother always said, “Only boring people get bored.”

22.  My mother also said, “why don’t you try writing something for Chatelaine or Maclean’s,” after reading my latest lesbian erotica submission about having sex with Marge Simpson. Guess she didn’t find the sex appeal in me pulling Marge’s avocado green dress gently over her head and then ripping off her red pearls.

23.  Dogs, sunshine and flip flops are really all one needs in life.

24.  I have an autograph somewhere from David Hasslehoff posing with Knight Rider.

25.  We should always crave something in life. Someone, something or somewhere. And my craves would be: Wanda, a Garage Sandwich Company sandwich piled high with roasted sweet potatoes, roasted peppers, avocado, sprouts and bacon on 12 grain with mustard and, Anderita Beach, Africa.

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