Posts Tagged With: 1000 Awesome Things

10 More Not-So-Awesome Things

Back by popular demand (thank you to those three very special people), here are ten more not-so-awesome things, in no particular order. 

  1. When you’re at a cocktail party, fully engaged in conversation with someone you’re eager to impress and you delicately bite into what you thought was a cube of havarti and realize that it’s actually a cube of butter.
  2. Shortly after thoroughly enjoying a generous piece of peanut brittle, you realize that along with the peanuts and the brittle, you also enjoyed eating a piece of your lower molar.
  3. Backing out of your own driveway as you do every day and smashing into the vehicle parked directly behind you. The vehicle belongs to the electrician who you let into your house just 10 minutes before.
  4. Backing out of your driveway as you do every day about a year later and crashing into your daughter’s vehicle at about 50km/hr with such impact that the passenger door couldn’t be opened.(*Special thanks to my father for providing the not-so-awesome moments of #3 and #4—and for that really expensive take-out pizza that he picked up after the incident.)
  5. Imagine running with your dog on a bright, shiny idyllic morning, listening to the Eurythmics on your iPod. You approach a road crew and brace yourself for the cat calls and whistles. The confusion begins when several construction workers start yelling at you and madly waving their arms and pointing. Ignoring them because you can’t hear what they’re saying over top of Annie Lennox anyway, you turn your attention back to your golden retriever who is running a few feet ahead of you on the leash– up to his torso in wet cement.  You catch up to him after he’s already run 10 steps through it. Not so awesome for the city workers who just poured that sidewalk!
  6. The bad peanut. You know the one—it tastes like Noxema, Branston pickles, dead toads, feet and poison. What the hell happened to that one single peanut? Why does it taste so poisonously awful?
  7. Placing your debit card on the conveyer belt at the grocery store and watching it ride along the belt and disappear into an abyss behind the bananas and the turkey bacon.
  8. Washing your lip balm along with all your favourite things, leaving spearmint residue on most items.  You try to salvage the lip balm but it has turned into a medicated mashed potato consistency inside the vial. With one application you are left with a chunky sheen with several bits that you have to eat off your lips. At least the other often forgotten-about items like ob tampons are shrink-wrapped with a scary plastic that can endure the wash and spin cycle (and probably outerspace) and still come out useable.
  9. After being on hold for 26 minutes and reminded 26 times that “Your call is very important to us,” you finally put the phone down on the bed so you can properly fold your t-shirts just like they do at the GAP. When you hear the operator’s “Hello” cut off the annoying Gloria Estefan 1-2-3 song, you lunge for the phone and get ready to voice the complaint you’ve been rehearsing. Cradling the phone between your shoulder and your ear you begin folding the last t-shirt as you voice your complaint– and disconnect yourself after five seconds. Totally not awesome.
  10. Imagine walking through Holt Renfrew on Bloor, pretending to be all that and a bag of chips. Maybe even wearing sunglasses inside the store to blend in with the other chic shoppers. When you eye the expensive hand lotion sample tube that smells like wedding cake, and the cosmetics counter staff person turns her back, you squeeze a greedy handful surreptitiously in your hand. You take enough to moisturize yourself up to your elbows and most of your legs. Walking away before making eye contact with the cosmetics staff person you begin to rub in the lotion and realize with great horror that you’ve selected the body scrub. The scrub begins to lather on your hands and you spy a box of Kleenex on the counter. Walking hurriedly towards the Burberry section you hide behind the scarves to wipe off the gritty scrub that smells like wedding cake but feels like icing full of sand.  This is when you notice that the Kleenex is adhering to the scrub and your hands look like a 12-year-old boy’s face after shaving for the first time. Sunglasses on, you confidently exit Holt’s with hands covered in tattered Kleenex and body scrub hidden deep in your pockets.

Not so awesome bus delay on the Gulu Highway, Uganda

Not so awesome if you piss off the ankole cow with very-pointy horns

Probably not so awesome accommodations, but hey, they only advertised that they were famous!

With kudos to blogger all-star Neil Pasricha who is at #749 on his clever list of 1,000 Awesome Things at http://1000awesomethings.com/.

If you missed the first list of 10 Not-So-Awesome Things:

http://julestorti.wordpress.com/2009/05/12/10-not-so-awesome-things/

Categories: The Kitchen Sink | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

10 Not-So-Awesome Things

Neil Pasricha has become a bloggernaut. After winning a Webby for his blog 1,000 Awesome Things, life has to be on an awesome upswing for the 29-year-old Canadian. Pasricha started his site in June of last year, and as he told Misty Harris in The Vancouver Sun, his mother emailed his first post to his dad, and “the traffic suddenly doubled.” When I went to visit the Things today, I was hit number 3,238,602. It comes as no surprise that after winning the prestigious Webby that four anxious literary agents have started wooing Pasricha. Could it get any more awesome?

Apparently the list isn’t exclusive to him though–he’s a 29-year-old guy, afterall. “It’s a celebration of the little things, the little pleasures, the little joys that bring us all together as people,” he explains in The Sun. “It’s about being really tired and about to fall asleep when someone throws a blanket over you.” Yes, that is awesome.

The Things list is bang-on every time, and I found myself nodding and nearly agreeing out loud with Pasricha. “Yes, the smell of crayons is awesome!” I scroll the list and pause to read his in depth rational behind why we love #782: Mixing cookie batter with bare hands. Also hitting the bull’s eye is #784: Celebrity Baby Names, where he has compiled a list of the most notorious, from Gwenyth Paltrow’s Apple to Frank Zappa’s clan of Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet and Diva Muffin.

Pasricha has targeted a Chicken Soup for the Soul-weary audience. He has warmed the cockles of blog- savvy, Twittering readers who still find something spiritual in recognizing the feel-goodness of #796: The sound of rain from inside a tent. Or, better yet, #997: Locking people out of the car and pretending to drive away. Reading his list is like the magnetic pull of Facebook. You know you are wasting time looking at the beach holiday album of that “friend” from grade 3, but, by god, it’s like wading deeper and deeper into quicksand as you click through their sunny, smiley pictures. Visiting the 1,000 Things site will also successfully keep you from doing anything constructive for a surprising period of time–but is reading about inspiring Awesome Things so wrong? The good news is that Pasricha is still on the countdown from 1,000 and is at #768, so really, you can only waste your time reading about 232 Awesome Things.

After reading about so many awesome things though, I wondered how long it would take before someone came up with a list of 1,000 Not-So-Awesome Things. And in no time, I had 10. For those times when you don’t want a reminder of saccharine-laced awesome things and need a moment to dwell in a dismal mood, reflect on these:

#10   Unpacking groceries and dropping a Costco-sized bottle of olive oil on the ceramic tile floor, creating your very own Exxon Valdez when you are already five minutes late for work.

#9    Taking a thirsty slug from a beer bottle that was being used as the party’s indoor ashtray.

#8    Sending a gossipy email that was intended for an audience of one and realizing you hit Reply All, sending it to everyone on your list, including the person you were gossiping about. Not so awesome.

#7    Swallowing a bug as big as a praying mantis at the beginning of a race and feeling it crawl up the back of your throat for the next 20 kilometers.

#6    Regifting a bottle of cheap wine to the person who gave you the cheap wine. (Tactic: upon recognizing the expression of “Hey, I gave you that wine,” quickly say, “Wasn’t it you that introduced me to this merlot? You know what, it’s the only kind I buy now.”)

#5    When you work as a massage therapist and your client says, “while you’re at it, you can massage my fat away too,” and you respond: “well, if I could do that I would be here all day.” But, what you meant was, that if you had the ability to massage fat away, in general, that your work would never end because everyone would want a massage to take their fat away. What you didn’t mean was that your client was so obese that it would take a whole day to massage her fat off. Not awesome.

#4    When you comment on your co-worker wearing glasses. “Do you normally wear contacts?” And when the co-worker says her eyes are really bothering her from the pollen, that’s why she is wearing them, but she hates her glasses because they’re ugly and you say, “they suit you.” But then you realize that what you said sounds like her ugly glasses suit her, because she’s ugly too. Argh.

#3    Having underwear fall out of your pantleg in a public place with no time for recovery.

#2    Pre-heating the oven to bake cookies at 350, and melting the handle off the T-fal frying pan you quickly hid in the oven when you had drop-in company. Then, baking those cookies, eating them and having semi-toxic T-fal plastic handle breath.

#1   Submitting a resume and cover letter for your dream job and later realizing that you said that you would be “willing to do shit work.” Shit work? &^$%* SHIFT WORK. I’m willing to do SHIFT WORK. But, it’s too late because it was for an editing job and if you can’t decipher between shit and shift, you’re not really the ideal candidate anyway.

 

A not-so-awesome public toilet in Kampala, Uganda

A not-so-awesome public toilet in Kampala, Uganda

 

 

 

 

Not-so-awesome things that can be swept up in Africa.

Not-so-awesome things that can be swept up in Africa.

Pasricha’s lollipop and sunshine list can be found at: http://1000awesomethings.com/the-top-1000/

And on Twitter: http://twitter.com/1000awesome

Categories: The Kitchen Sink | Tags: , , , | 5 Comments

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